I return.  Mas apologies for my extended break from the renowned Gator Safe Room. 

Back. Crazy. And ready to make sure FSU linebackers enjoy their bowl game in Boise or San Francisco.

For those interested, I’ve been hiking through the villages of Quintana Roo as a candidate for Gobernador of the state.  No Senor, I don’t have any aspirations for higher office.  I just like the lonely housewives that come to the door and see EL CAIMAN!!  Aye, they are willing to try anything in the sack…the Mexican Meat Pie, the Pueblo Power Punch, Soplame Stubby, and mi favorito, the wheelbarrow of the uno puerta AND dos puerta variety. 

Si, like this, but with more penetration. PENETRATION!

You can’t get that kind of action in a Peruvian Whorehouse/Chicken Farm.  You heard me correctly; those bitches really know how to efficiently run a business down in Peru.  Consolidation is key! 

Despite my travels, I’ve been able to keep up with the Florida Gators.  I have been passing the growing legend of Tebow along to every man, woman and child I met along the way.  Many of the ladies were passed a little Caimanorrhea if you know what I mean.  The improved social status is worth it. WORTH IT IF YOU CAN PAY FOR MEXI-HEALTH CARE LIKE CAIMAN!!!  HAHA, I got to get that shit cleared up, mucho pronto. 

So I hear its rivalry week.  Florida State, the equivalent of rats running through the feces strewn tunnels; even worse, FSU is equivalent of circus peanuts falling from a piñata. Ughhhh, circus peanuts.  And Damn, I was so excited for candy and you filled it up with this crap!  Buy some real candy MOM!  Oops, lo siento, minor flashback there.  But no issues here, really.  Yo amo mi madre! 

Caiman knows where Floaters waster removal totes it...Tallahassee.

I also hear that some 3rd rate linebacker clown named Geno is mouthing off about taking Tebow out.  Let me advise you mouthy Seminole penis lover.  If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Tim Tebow.  Of which you are not, Mr. Hayes, and thus you will certainly not succeed in taking out 46 touchdowns, bowled over every other linebacker this season, and can travel back in time to convince your old man to wear a raincoat, even though he’s drunk and doesn’t wanna, Tebow. 

Tebow will use your face as a springboard to New York City, where he’ll be picking up the first of what should be multiple Heismans.  I’m not even sure what that is, but its better than any award you’ll ever win Geno, unless of course you manage to win the Nobel Prize.  But just so you know, Tebow will win those too because he’ll eventually get around to crying so we can cure cancer.  HE OWNS YOU BITCH.  Just wanted you to know so you can prepare yourself for humiliation of the worst kind. 

That is all. 

I’ll be back with more next week with more, but the Mexican Holiday Inns are always cheaping out on the wi-fi.  Casa sweet casa next week.  For now I’m going to threaten small children.  NEED CUPS! NECESSITO CUPS BABY!

Oh, and Feliz Navidad Gators.  Choke on ornaments Noles.

Hell yeah! Air Guitar! Trans-Siberian Orchestra Here I come!

~~Caiman del Pantano

Hola Gator Fans,

Es mi, el Caiman del Pantano, finally back from my extended vacacion to Jacksonville, Florida to see the renowned World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party for myself.  And let me tell you, I disagree with your classification of this fiesta between canines and reptiles. 

Cocktails? What fucking cocktails?  There were no rum runners, tequila sunrises, margaritas, daiquiris, sex on the beaches, or sex on the caiman del pantanos (very big cocktail in Mexico! Es por la mujeres solamente, por favor! In other words NO DUDES).  You would be better off naming it the World’s Largest Outdoor Beer Wet & Wild with a Bourbon Chaser Party.  Seriously, you guys get fucked up, even for the Caiman’s standards. 

Alex: "For the daily double, the official Florida/Georgia 'cocktails' of the World's Largest Cocktail Party."

Caiman: "What is Beer, Bourbon, and Boilermakers?"

Alex: "Correct, choose again."

At one point during the tailgate I am almost positive (and gracias Senores Salty y Gator Head Funnel for your generous hospitality) I was demanding people smash beer bottles against my head so I could carve badass skulls into my forearms.  Shit that whiskey makes me a masochistic cuttin’ hombre!    

Whiskey is so powerful, it was actually knitted this nice skull cap for me.  Why gracias you crazy whiskey Gods!

Honestly, I don’t remember much of the game, so it’s tough to comment on.  I remember Tebow not being Tebow, our defense stopping less than El Gimpo the no armed Luchador, and a final score that did not please me.  I also vaguely recall a gigantic celebracion after los perros scored their first touchdown.  It made me want to grab a crow bar and beat Mark Richt’s head like it was a piñata filled with glass vases.  I HAVE SERIOUS ANGER ISSUES OK!?!?!?!  Plus, who doesn’t like to hit a piñata? Even if it’s a piñata that is imagined onto someone’s head.  You’re probably doing it to someone at work right now.  Aren’t you?  AREN’T YOU!!

I had a good time though.  And plenty diverted my attention away from the offensive line giving up sacks and the secondary giving up bombs. Oh, and of Knowshon Moreno.  I hope that he knows his name means dark brown in my native tongue. And dark brown is the color of shit.  So fuck you Knowshon Shit.  I hope you get thrown by a giant ape at another giant ape or you get lit on fire in a giant brown paper bag and stomped out by a pissed off giant neighbor.  Since we just don’t have enough Giant things, I hope you sprain your ankle in a running garbage disposal next time you are counter top dancing. Prick. 

Sweet, sweet diversions from a pitiful game.  Reminds me of the perfectly rounded hills of the Cerro del Topo Chico.  Anyone for hiking?  Aye, Aye, Aye ::fist in mouth bite:: 

All in all, the WLOCP was great, but the Caiman needs to see a win.  This losing crap is getting old.  You Gators lost more in the last 34 days than the Caiman has in the last 34 months.  ONCE BITCHES!  AND I’LL GET YOU BACK SENOR SANGRE FOR YOUR ILLEGAL PUNCH TO THE LLUEVOS WHICH THE REFEREE DID NOT SEE! YOU ARE MORE LIKE SENOR ME GUSTA SOPLAR POLLOS! 

Hopefully my pilot Rodrigo will have the plain ready for the Vandy game, but if not, I could use a weekend at home among my Mexican estate.  I have to go to Crate & Barrel Mexicana or Pier Uno Imports this Domingo to by some new cup-ware, because those fucking sucio children have stolen all my cups once again!  Like last Saturday, I’ll give my mask a quick break and slug some cans back. 

Cans, cups, bottles...none of it matters after a loss. Only quantity matters.  And for good measure - Fuck You Dawgs, see you in 08'.

Until next time, Adios mis amigos,

~~ Caiman del Pantano  

Hey, hey kiddies, been a long time, so I figured it was time for Ol’ Caiman to chime in. I knew they Gators weren’t playing so I took my sweet ass time. That’s what I do. It’s a Spanish culture thing, you wouldn’t understand gringo. Besides, what better did you have to do this weekend? Have a belated Christopher Columbus or Leif Erikson Day Fiesta? No one in Mexico celebrates those two jokers; its Francisco Coronado or nada here amigos!  

All I can say is CARAMBA! That last game was demasiado! Awesome! Too bad it was another loss, because it should not have been. It was like you pounded your opponent for 99 and a half rounds and then LSU got a quick few jabs in the last half round. But since the refs were home-towners, they decided in favor of your opponent. And yes, 100 rounds is for real Luchadors you pussy ass pussasses! Nonetheless, I am still saddened by your loss. Ok. 

The Gators may have lost, but not the Caiman.  I dominated this keg.  It was all like "don't taze me bro!" So I said "fine," and power bombed that fucker in the pool.  Oh, I emptied it first to be polite.  I promise.

But do not lament this recent loss for long. Your future is very bright at the University of Florida. 100 watt bulb in a 60 watt socket bright. Joe Haden will be a lockdown corner for you. Major Wright is a wrecking ball in a blighted neighborhood of balsa wood houses. Maurkice Pouncey is more valuable on the line than NHGator in an intramural game. And Tim I’m The Freaking Second Coming of Jesus Tebow is the next best thing since sliced tortilla. I can’t even focus on the loss, because I can’t stop thinking about Harvin and Tebow jointly raising the crystal football at the end of the 2008 BCS Championship in Miami. Oh, I’m calling it. I was born with a natural soothsaying talent, bitches! Only the Caiman had George Mason in the final four and Appalachian State beating Michigan. Stanford beating USC, no, I did not see. Si, sometimes soothsaying is affecting by bias ESPN reporting. Dynasty my anus cavity. 

Take this week to calm down and relax el Gatores. You’ve won more in 2 years than most schools will win in the next 50. Don’t get greedy. Ok. Fuck that. Get greedy. You should want more titles. But know that they’re coming. The talent is too much, and the coaching too good. Just because you may end up in the Sugar, or Citrus, or Outback (God forbid) bowl, make sure you tell people that you could beat whomever ends up the national champs. If its LSU, you can claim we had them on the ropes for 59 minutes and they got lucky. If its Cal, we romped a team they only beat. If its SoCal, tell em we could beat Stanford by 60 points on the moon, cause we’re the God damned SEC. Cocky is the name of the game, and we play that shit like caffeinated old people working the bingo board. And screw you South Carolina, you make the name Cocky appropriate to say in a 5^th grade classroom or church, and all that shit. Your mascot needs to die a miserable death with Virginia Tech and be served up at someone’s Thanksgiving dinner. Cocky is for awesome badass nun-smackers, cup stealing luchadors, whiskey funnelers like us, and the blessed Florida Gators! Wow, that was a rant. But you deserved it non-believers! 

Florida will win the SEC this year I shit you not. I also shit you knot. And shit you naught. That’s how serious I am. 

Tennessee will lose to either Kentucky, South Carolina, or Arkansas. And the Gators will win out. I’m confident in that.  Urban is due to out-coach this Senor Steve Spurrier. And when Florida matches up with either Auburn or LSU again on neutral Astroturf, their superior speed will shine. Defensive backs will be Wilbur and Orville Wright, and Percy and Bubba will be SR-71 Blackbirds. (And yes, I get it, there are faster planes now. But our Mexican readers will get the analogy better dick faces) Tim Tebow will also have evolved from a dump truck with nitrous boosters to a steamroller with a shuttle orbiter rocket attached. And yeah, don’t bother looking it up on wikipedia. It’s the big orange one that falls off the Space Shuttle into the Atlantic every launch. Except Tim’s will stay attached, allowing him to crush jackasses like Glenn Dorsey and Quentin Groves every play. He will eat your babies with a little pepper and Crystal hot sauce. Because that’s how Tim rolls…hot, but not too hot. Like YOUR woman! Chris Richard must have a successor! HAHAHA! 

You'll be seeing a lot more of this.  No, not just UF #1, but Mexicans sneaking in on a raft. With kegs.  Hey, if you're ever gonna take us in Florida, we might as well be equipped with goods I'm I right?  Damn yeah I am.  You people love beer.

Whoooaaaa. The Caiman is f’n hammered and did not realize the late hour. He must now attend to the courtyard of muchachas waiting for his pene! And by pene, I really mean his dinero. But occasionally, the Caiman wraps his pene con dinero, and it works out for everyone. Ah, what Mexican women and Florida State chicas won’t do for a peso always surprises me. Desperation is a stinky cologne, one that I spray all over myself every Tuesday.. 

Adios Gators. I’ll see you when I see you. Which is probably never you nobodies! 

Sadness overwhelms me like the stench of rats and sewage in an immigrant tunnel into America. Your loss is now mi loss.

First, mi apologies. I did not know that I am supposed to review the game even when Florida loses? That’s ridiculous. After I lose a match, which happens less than snow days in Zacatecas, all I normally do is mope around drinking tequila sunrises by the pool with reruns of George Lopez on. I don’t care what any network big wigs say, I think that dude is one freakin’ funny chicano. 

But since the hombres here at the Safe Room have asked me to come around every game, I’ll abide by their conditions.

Basura! Garbage! Trash! That was all that I saw of the Gators in the first half of their bout with las Tigres. And the second half was better than the first half's sloppy play, but there was too much sloppy play in the first half to overcome in the second half.  HAHA, I make the best redundant, run-on sentences that are redundant. NO, SCREW YOU JOHNNY GRAMMAR POLICE!  English is my third language behind espanol and sanscrit.

Two things visibly shake the Caiman, craptacular halves of football by the Gators and giant robot scorpions.

I hear that Florida’s offensive play-caller had an emergency appendectomy less than 24 hours before the game. He must have been woozy from the all the drugs to run Luchador Tebow into the middle of a strong defensive line over, and over, and over, and over. And then again. Do you see what I did there to drill home my point. Es for effect. EFFECT!

Senor Dan Mullen should have approached the Caiman for his operation. I keep a healthy stash of generic Percocet and Vicodin for my uh, uh, old knee injury, and I would have been happy to perform the operation. I bet you won’t bet me that I would have only needed a fish hook, an iron, a pair of sheep sheers, a katana (which are hard to come by in Mexico) and an ice cream scoop. BET ME YOU FOOLS! 

Unbeknownst to many of my fans, the Caiman received his MD from the Universidad of Arequipa Online. It took only 9 weeks and only one trip to Peru for a final exam.

So my segundo trip to Gainesville was not a success like the first. Every time zone defense make me angry, pretty ladies make me happy. Every time Gator offense stall and I get ready to rage, but alcohol brings me back down to chill town.  Everytime the Gators give away points, the Caiman steals cups from kids.  Ah, the checks and balances of la vida.

I’m actually still drunk. Currently, I’m in the 109^th hour of a pretty impressive binger. Aren’t you impressed with my typing ability? Si, I rocked out the Mavis Bacon.

And right here, right now, I vow to keep drinking until the Gators of Florida decide to beat a Tiger team this season. And they better not make it Clemson in the Music City Bowl, mainly because I really hate Nashville. The folks up there understand wearing bedsheets with eyes cut out over their heads, but do not understand the class and prominence that go along with a luchador mask. Aye aye aye.

The Caiman loves being in pictures with pretty ladies funneling beers, even if he has to sneak in at the last second.  HAHA, I AM NOW IN YOUR PHOTO, PUT ME ON MYSPACE WITH YOUR PHOTOS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE AND SHIT LIKE THAT!!

That's all for this week.  If I type anymore, my buzz will start to wear off and I will have to kill someone or this computer, but preferably someone.  MAYBE YOU!!!  Oh, I'm also too busy setting up an offshore account for a certain state attorney so he will write of a certain situation as a case of letting boys be boys.

~~CAIMAN DEL PANTANO

Caiman del Pantano here, and glad to be back to deliver this weeks prognosis. Gators win ugly, but win nonetheless. This means two things A) the Gators remain undefeated heading into REVENGE (ß There is an obligatory yell required with this word) MATCH week and B) Ole Miss alum, John Grisham loses his bet with the Caiman and now must pen a novel about a small town southern attorney who, while on vacation, becomes stranded in a Mexican prison and must be defended by an overweight luchador and his pet ass Honcho. If you don’t understand our legal system, you might think this is a comedia. You’d be wrong though, es an intense drama with occasional comedy musings from Honcho.  Maybe Caiman’s good amigo Tebowsmash will lend El Rally Ass for casting when Hollywood comes looking to buy the rights. 

The Gators looked sleepy on Saturday, starting out slow, and ending slow. Apparently the aroma of Jack Daniels mixed with Chanel No. 5 can lull even the most rambunctious of monsters to sleep. There was No 50+ point game. No 30+ point blow out. And No more talk about how the Gators belong atop the most elite teams in the National title hunt. Take a lesson from me friends; when people are out to get you, you must only act like you are asleep and then surprise your opponent with a vicious series of attacks to the mouth and genitals.  

Gators secondary is still more porous and greasy than a 13 year old’s face. They slip on a lot of coverage and leave some wide open holes. Holes big enough for Pancho Villa to drive an army through. Que? You are not familiar with that expression, no? Mistakes are ok, as long as they don’t cost you the game. I’d rather learn like this, than at Baton Rouge. Nothing new in the defensive backfield though with so much youth and the fact that… 

We still can’t get a good pass rush. Javier Estopian and Clint McMillan are good at stopping the run, but don’t get much push from the inside on the pass rush. The results are similar from the outside with Derrick Harvey and Jermaine Cunningham, not to mention the endless supply of freshmen behind these four. If they are going to keep pillow fighting with offensive lines, it’s time they start slipping some pool balls into those cases and knock some putas out! If the defensive front keeps allowing quarterbacks enough time to take a siesta and still make the pass, then good quarterbacks like Matt Flynn, Andre Woodson, or Matt Stafford are going to make our defense look like . Es a damn good thing we’ve still got… 

 Tim Tebow, as envisioned by Stan Lee and Ole Miss Linebackers.

Tebow will huff, and puff, and run your motha-f’n house over little pigs. How scientists grafted Steve Young’s left arm onto a Larry Csonka clone, I’ll never know! If I had to guess, its probably that same visionary doctor from Jurassic Park. At least scientists all over the world can stop the Human Genome project. Whatever questions remained…Tim Tebow is the answer. Problem solved science geeks! Now get back to studying weird science where super hot women come out of computer box. DO IT NOW! Finding a suitable, disease free partner is easier said than done south of Santiago Papasquiaro. 

Coach Meyer will have the Gators ready to play because he knows that REVENGE is involved. Something called the Auburn Plain War Tigerglesman are coming to be eaten alive at the first night event in the Swamp. REVENGE is one of my favorite hobbies and I am very much looking forward to seeing it enacted. WOOOOOOO REVENGE!!! 

The Caiman del Pantano remembers last year very well. Tony Joiner said we were gonna go to su casa and take your cheese to make a gigantic sandwich. We’re are forever grateful you let us, because the team plane was out of those little bags of peanuts and our D-linemen were really hungry from keeping you to negative 11 yards rushing. It was so delicious and filling that Marcus Thomas didn’t get the munchies until the following Wednesday. 

Tony Joiner - Stealer of Tennessee Cheese and Tebow Kisses - and Fuck You, yeah you, the one who just made the gay comment.  Cause Tony stole your mom's cheese.  And her cherry.

Yes, yes, you thought you were going to come in and steal our cheese and repay our delightful thievery this year. But like the Caiman, NO ONE STEALS FROM THE GATORS!!!!!!!!! 

DISCLAIMER: Caiman del Pantano does not approve of theft or stealing, unless it involves children; children and cups OR cups and children.  DO YOU HEAR ME LITTLE NINOS, I’M COMING FOR YOU AND YOUR SOUVENIR GATOR CUPS ON 9/25!!!!!! 

HAHAHA! You backwoods redneck Appalachian jokers, you couldn’t even work our fridge, nonetheless find our cheese. By the way, it’s in the drawer with the bacon and lunchmeat. What’s that you say, you don’t even have drawers in your fridge? You only got an ice bin from the Piggly Wiggly that you stole back in 1987 stuffed full of raccoon meat and covered in dried up deer blood? Than I must say this: I’m impressed Tony Joiner was able to find any cheese at all last year. 

Knoxville Piggly Wigglys, barren of ice since the late 80's.

This year, we don’t even have to look for cheese. Our Ohio State University, which we happen to own, takes cheese from Wisconsin University, which they happen to own, and hand delivers it to the Swamp as part of their obligation to the reigning champs of their existence in NCAA athletics. HAHA Suckeyes! Greg Oden and Troy Smith es muy suxorz! 

Gators play like bloodthirsty luchadors. Volunteers play like, well, volunteers. The kind of volunteers that come in and scrub blood and spit off wrestling mat every Tuesday morning. They useless, like you Tennessee Volunteers. Your defense was more wide open than the Chiapas border to Guatamala. You Americans hate us? Try having Guats flood your country looking for a better life. Shit flow down hill for a reason Senor...yours to us…ours to them…them down the rest of the world toilet drain better known as Central America. HAHA, I kid. Panama Canal es pretty importante I guess.  

That game was an ass-kicking. The kind the Caiman likes to deliver, first-rate, overnight, guaranteed!   HAHAHA!!!!! 

The Gators have my attention now scoring 55 points/game through their first 3 tests. So they better get ready for the hype train, because they no longer fly under the national radar. Well, maybe Mexico’s national radar. We can’t tell the difference between ICBMs and kids with kites. HA, our military is to defense what 2007 Notre Dame is to offense – non existent.  

OK, Ole Miss next week. The Caiman knows that the Gators have not won in the state of Mississippi since 1994 and its time for a change. TIME FOR A CHANGEEEEEEEE!!!!!! HAHA, sounds like Caiman del Pantano could run for office down here on the Yucatan!

Rosalita tried to pass this baby off as a side dish for the two-pounder.  Give me my damn chips and salsa woman!  Keep your baby or I will steal his sippy cup.  CUPS!!!

NOBODY fucks wit da Jesus.  Not even you Urban.

YOU LITTLE NINOS WILL NEVER LEARN!!!  I AM UNDEFEATED AGAINST CHILDREN WHO TAKE THE CAIMAN'S CUPS!!

Caiman del Pantano Sr. - Retired or not, still dangerous around booze and fire ants.    

Gator Head Funnel, Myself, and some guy in a blue shirt heavily influenced by alcohol and not afraid to get near the both of us

Little kids would not reach for you with a Luchador mask on Tebow, but SEXY SENORITAS STILL WOULD!