It has come to my attention that those of the Hurricane and Seminole pedigree find their Gator brethren’s excitement over Tim Tebow a little too much to handle; it’s an obsession they are tired of hearing about. Who can blame them? Tebow scored 16 more touchdowns and had less than a quarter of the picks of Drew Weatherford (9 TD/INT 1), Xavier Lee (8 TD/INT 5), Kirby Freeman (3 TD/INT 6), and Kyle Wright (15 TD/INT 14) – Combined.
U R PWND!
Their dislike for Tebowmania doesn’t stem from hatred for Florida’s golden boy, it’s clearly a case of QB envy. We’ve got a National Champion/Heisman winner more than capable of running the offense and they have field captains that couldn’t find the endzone even if they had a map. Maybe because they can’t read a map – Damn those low academic standards! They still couldn’t find the endzone if it was at the end of one of those mazes on a Denny’s paper kids menu. Even with the expert tutelage of offensive geniuses Jimbo Fisher and Patrick Nix, and those guys are totally awesome with crayons and mazes.
I take it back...FSU QB's can get through the maze with the help of FSU's academic advisors. They provide ALL the answers. Everytime!
Now I’m not saying that Miami and FSU’s quarterback situations can’t change in a season’s time. They can. It might very well be Robert Marve for the Canes and EJ Manuel for the Noles; only time will tell. But in the offseason, our in-state rivals might want to get used to hearing more about Tebow. Because here is how we see the next few months going down keeping Tebow in the bright spotlight of stardom right up until the 2008 season:
- 1972 Dolphins’ Mercury Morris clubs Cleo Lemon in the knee ala Nancy Kerrigan. Larry Csonka slips Tim Tebow a John Beck jersey and ties up Beck and leaves him in the broom closet of a Mormon Church. Tebow defeats Tom Brady and melts all the snow in Foxboro. That Tebow, he’s so hot right now! Champagne with the undefeated Phins ensues!
Selfish records never tasted sooooo sweet! Thanks Tebow!
- Florida beats Michigan by 60 points, but Tebow will be held to under 750 yards and 9 touchdowns.
- Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani, and John McCain get into skirmish on National television over who gets to appoint Tebow as their Vice Presidential candidate. Carry Florida AND the Christian Right?!?! You can’t lose!
- Governor Charlie Crist appoints Tim Tebow as interim director of the Florida Office of Insurance Regulation. Property Taxes finally drop like a rock…OUT OF FEAR!!
- Makes appearance as guest on American Idol. Accidentally wins in landslide. Paula hits on Tebow, but her advances deflect to the floor without his notice like most hits from women or Seminole linebackers.
Hey Timmy, I'll polish your Heisman. And by Heisman, I mean your ::hiccup, hiccup:: What was I saying. Mmmm, horse tranqs.
- Travels to Gobbler’s Knob. Punxsutawney Phil’s shadow takes refuge in Siberia. Summer comes early. Unfortunately, that also means baseball.
- Speaking of which, Tebow hired as hitting consultant for Marlins under Freddie Gonzalez. Marlins go .500. Still VERY good.
Even after harnessing the power of Tebow - still, not much better.
- Travels to Beijing for Olympic Games. Takes gold medal in Table Tennis, Steeple Chase, Heavyweight Boxing, and Men’s 10 meter platform diving – No splash! He also takes 3rd individually in Still Rings at Men’s Gymnastics. DAMN YOU FRENCH JUDGE!
- Visits family mission in Philippines. Stops deadly Tsunami by sneezing. First time pet dander ever proves useful.
- Negotiates deal ending Hollywood writers strike. ABC’s LOST re-airs. Tebow rescues survivors of Oceanic Flight 815.
Ben: Save everyone you wish Mr. Tebow, just don't take Kate. Please!
Ben: Noooooooo! Damn you Tebow!
- Drives in Daytona 500 in car painted like American Flag. Wrecks every Toyota driver and beats the shit out of an angry Tony Stewart in garage. Hey, shoulda stayed with Chevy Smoke.
- Hurricane1's special lady friend demands he give it to her from behind. Easier to imagine Tebow back there. With the exception of the size shortcommings of course.
- GHF