Como Esta Bitches!
The Gator Head Funnel has selected me, YES, ME!!!, to give the recaps of the Florida Football games. I, the great Caiman del Pantano, famous Luchador of the Yucatan Peninsula Primera Lucha Libre Liga, was reluctant at first, but decided like all other opponents, I MUST DESTROY THIS PITIFUL TASK!
Gator Head Funnel, Myself, and some guy in a blue shirt heavily influenced by alcohol and not afraid to get near the both of us
First, you must know that the Caiman does not meet deadlines. I will write when I damn well please and you will like it. Most Sundays, I am too busy squeezing limes into my Coronas with my stare alone and knocking the bottom out of Chiquita Banana models. So you should expect my game recaps sometime on Monday. EXPECT IT!!!!
As for the reason behind my tardiness this week, it is not that Uncle Sam farce of a holiday celebrating “Labor,” that shit is for suckers north of the Rio Grande. Real Mexican Luchadors like me celebrate our work everyday with a bottle of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo and a siesta by the ocean. THEN, I go pound some poor soul into the mat later that evening and follow that up with the 1 AM donkey show in downtown Merida.
I am late this week because some pussified category cinco storm called Felix decided to knock out my wireless internet. Sonuvabitch! And every time I call my service provider, all they do is whine about how the whole village has been ravaged. If you don’t get my damn internet up, I will ravage the whole damn village. I’m good motivation for the locals because if I were a Huracan, I’d be a category catorce and my gusts would blow the feral Chihuahuas from here to Baja California. Aye, Dios Mio Huracan Caiman! Ha HA! That’s what la ellas say last night! AND EVERY NIGHT!
Now, on to the rundown of this Collegiate Partido de Futbol Americana with the Florida Gators…
First, I want to thank the Gator Head Funnel for inviting me to the game, for I had never witnessed this terrific sport of men. In Mexico, we have to endure 1-1 ties and endless pussyfooting with a soccer ball. I’d rather have Mistico hit me over the cabeza with sombrero full of cement.
Your sport however, is a beautiful concert of aggression and style. If players like Tim Tebow would have the fashion sense to cover his face with a skin tight mask and scare children with it, he could be very successful in the lower leagues of my skill.
Little kids would not reach for you with a Luchador mask on Tebow, but SEXY SENORITAS STILL WOULD!
Before the game, Gator Head Funnel explained to me that your periodicos and revistas were critical of Tebow’s throwing. Ha! He passes better than my cousin Pedro down at the local fish market. And that means MUY BUENO you stupid American media. I once saw Pedro throw the fish head of a tuna down a lady’s blouse from 45 meters out. I had to pay him 3000 pesos, but it was worth it. You will always get dead fish on your boobs if you use too many teeth when playing with the Caiman’s mini-luchador! Count on it!
For three-fourths of your sporting event, the Caiman was pleased with his alcoholic intake and even more pleased with the precision offense. The men of the Anaranjado and Azul should score a lot of points this year with hombres like Percy Harvin, Andre Caldwell, Louis Murphy and Riley Cooper in the receiving corps.
Caiman thinks the Gator Offense will not be denied access to many endzones this season, especially from the 1.
However, I was most displeased with the early play of your defense, if you can call it that. I hereby vow to break any defensive back into 3 pieces should they fail to take proper angles on tackles the rest of the season. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! You shall improve or I will be forced pile drive you back to the Ron Zook era where you should have gotten your ONLY starts!
The defense settled down and eventually compiled a 49-3 victory, which is average in my book. I say average because I was told Oklahoma, which we call North North Mexico, scored 79 points in their first game. Now THAT is what I want to see next week, THEN I will have more positive things to say.
Oh, you and your American safety precautions are funny. We stop events in Mexico when someone dies, or a lady is giving birth in the first ten spectator rows. A little pathetic lighting hits, and 85,000 people run for cover, including the athletes themselves. Don’t you know that lightning strikes give you serious power and sometimes takes you back in time. I saw it in an American movie. I’ve been trying to get hit for ten years now just to go back to 1994 to have a rematch with El Matador in Mexico City. Damn You CANCER FOR BEATING HIM BEFORE I EVER COULD!!
If one thing is for certain, I did enjoy stealing collectable souvenir cups from little children collecting them in the stands during the delay. You are my slave labor Gator children, go collect Caiman some cups or I shall kick dog feces onto your parent’s Toyota minivan. Yes, those National Champion Cups are sweet for margaritas. I’m having one now.
I’m lloking forward to our season together and as a gesture of my greatness, I declare you 2006 Mexican BCS Champions too, even though University of Texas-El Paso has won the award for 7 straight years. My personal assistant/massage therapist Juanita is heading to the phone now (which is finally back in service now!) to speak to Presidente Felipe Calderon to have some proclamation presented to Senor Foley and Presidente Machen.
Adios amigos! See you for Troy next week.
~~ Caiman del Pantano