You know, there's a certain art that goes into football Saturdays: if you don't plan things just right, you'll wind up passed out on the steps of St. Augustine's Church on University Avenue, as some lucky bastard gets to take your ticket out of your pocket and go to the game in your stead. However, since I don't get to go to the game anyways this week, I'm going to map out a solid day of drinking and watching football for those of us sad enough to be confined to television-only football.
10:30 a.m.- College Gameday, ESPN
Corso? Baby arm? Time for mental image purging.
Drink: Alabama Slammer- let me emphasize this, 1 Alabama Slammer. Any more than this, and you will be putting the rest of your viewing day at risk. It's got just the right mix of refreshment, orange juice, and alcohol to wake you up and keep you going. You'll be primed like never before, and it's one of the only drinks strong enough to let you cut through the Corso bullshit while getting to the yet still decent contributions of Herbstreit and Fowler.
12:00 p.m.- Pittsburgh at Michigan State, ESPN; Drink: Iron City Beer
Because they don't brew beer in East Lansing.
Remember, the 12 o'clock game is always useless, just a little string to get you through to the main events of the day. At the same time, at this point you'll be feeling awake and alive, and you need to maintain for a while. Hence, we salute one of America's most industrious (and, judging from the pollution, industrial) citites with this choice. But come halftime, you're going to need to step things up a notch, seeing as kickoff is on its way. That leads us to.....
2:30- The Dirk Diggler: Half Jager, half root beer- again, like the Alabama Slammer, it's best to stick with one of these.
'Scuse me while I...whip this out.
Unlike it's namesake, this drink goes down easy and smooth, so smooth that you won't even know it's there. Therein lies the awesomeness of this drink: you can put in as much Jager as you want, and it'll all taste the same. Half an hour later, you're so ready for kickoff at 3:30 that all you've got to do is keep from putting a hole in the drywall and just keep telling everyone within earshot that Tim Tebow once got in a knife fight and the knife lost.
3:30- Tennessee-Florida, CBS; Drink: Jameson on the rocks in one hand, Miller High Life in the other. Remember, football is about preparation. If you're not prepared, you'll wind up in a situation worse than that night when I found myself walking around with a sock on my Benjamin Franklin (expected John Hancock, didn't you, you lazy bastard) trying to get a ride back from Ciudad Juarez after the Caiman found me on top of Senorita Vazquez. And, since football is also about swings of momentum, you'll be feeling ok by halftime, bringing us to.......
5:15- Halftime; Drink- 1 funnel from the Gator Head for every point that Florida is winning by (or, if not winning, 2 funnels for every point that needs to be recouped). Because if that doesn't help ensure victory, then I've been living my life based on a lie. And let's face it, that belief has worked out alot better than my previous one that God loved me. Thanks, December 1, 2001.
All of which brings us to 7:00, the time when this guide becomes a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure.
By the beard of Zeus!
Things have either gone awesomely right at this point or dangerously wrong. Actually, upon further review, this isn't a CYOA- that's the great thing about football, that there's one solution for two situations. And that answer is....you guessed it....
Distilled, or straight from God's penis to your mouth? You decide.
I once had a girl tell me that alcohol doesn't solve anything. And I said "You're right, it doesn't. But it sure lets me ignore the fact that your tits could stand to be upgraded." Girls love it when you're honest.