Gator Head Funnel

Welcome back to the University of Florida, Defense.

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:18:00 GMT

26 - 3

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Dear Coach Shannon,

Your tears are thirst quenching and delicious. Now give us our damn Canoe.

Regards,

The Gator Safe Room

For you early mornin' folk who like to be on TV

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:19:00 GMT

The University of Florida will be hosting ESPN's College Gameday this weekend broadcasting live from outside the Swamp. Our Gators will be making a record 28th appearance on the show (The OSU finds themselves in a all-too-familiar spot at #2 for those interested - 22 appearances).

In honor of the occasion, my good friend "Hurricane1" shared with me his idea for a Gameday sign - "The Last Time Florida Beat Miami...Erin Andrews Was Flat." It's downright the most clever thing I've ever heard from him, or any Miami fan for that matter. 1985, it was a damn fine year, if only because I got my first sweet ass Trapper Keeper.

On to the rebuttal! It's only fair that I be allowed my own renditions of Gameday signs. So without further ado...

Ownership of Da U is da subject of da bate

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 01:47:00 GMT

We said aloha to Hawaii. Now we say aloha to Hawaii and aloha to Miami. Confused? Well you wouldn’t be if you just took some damn time to learn the native tongue of King Kamehameha. Guess the Gator Safe Room is gonna have to redshirt you this year while you order your Rosetta Stone software, Polynesian illiterate.

Aloha! Moi hele' kake moli moli tuua ah ah ah! TRANSLATION: Hello/Goodbye! Do you like my giant radish helmet ah ah ah!

Speaking of illiterates in any language but espanol (and even then it’s iffy) – let’s talk Miami, our north Cuban rivals, the Randy Shannonites, or as they emphasize with such mastery of the English language…da U.

Prior to this Saturday’s game at 8PM in the Swamp, it appears the battle has already begun between the Hurricanes and the Gators over this simple moniker. It stems from a quote given yesterday by Louis Murphy, who decided a little friendly smack talk would build anticipation for the game. Murphy also must have figured there is little chance Ray Lewis will murder him for this. Note, I didn’t say “no chance whatsoever,” so note to Louis: buddy up with Ronnie, sorry, Ron Wilson this week.

“We're the 'U,'” Murphy said. “I don't refer to them as the 'U.' I refer to them as Miami. If the 'U' is for university and winning championships, we're the 'U.' They are Miami, and that's what I call them.”

Oh. Snap.

That’s right putas. We are no longer going into your kitchen, stealing your cheese, and making a sandwich…we’re stealing your shitty ass moniker. And we did it from the comfort of our own Hogtowne couches, while playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith, on fucking expert! Why? Because we can. And it goes great in our nickname collection that includes “THE Ohio State,” “Kentucky” and/or “Wildcats,” and “**Vandy Dandies.”

**Attempts have been made to return this nickname, but even Vanderbilt refuses to take it back. We regret stealing it in the 18th century.

Can you blame us for taking it? We hadn’t taken anything from you since 1985 until Matt Patchan. Now, with “da U,” we’re on a damn roll. A roll that will continue on Saturday night like a rolling steamroller over a roll of tootsie rolls. I wanted to use specific “rolly” imagery to emphasize the speed and veracity of this roll we are on. Roll. Roll. Roll.

Know your rolls!

In your current nomenclature predicament, here are some suggestions that might help you re-find your identity.

“Da You” – Selfless baby. Selfless. It’s all about da YOU.

“Da Ewe” – You could be the meanest female sheep. Ever. Biblical scary.

“Da Yu” – Could be big with the asian recruits…eh? Think about it rearry harrrd.

“Da W” – Double U…that’s twice the power of only 1 “U.” How have you never thought of this.

But I tell you what…in the spirit of good sportsmanship, we will give back “da U” at the conclusion of Saturday night’s contest. Frankly, it’s stupid and sounds retarded when every one of your gazillion former players introduces himself with it during first drives in NFL games. We never wanted it anyway. We just want to defile it in front of you this Saturday. And we will. We are a high profile porn producer and your precious nickname is an 18 year old blonde from Kansas who came to Hollywood to be a movie star and will do anything to break into the film industry. We won’t use lube. Every orifice is game. The test shoot will last for a delightful 4 hours. And Louis Murphy is giving the money shot.

Following all that, “da U” is all yours again Miami.

This guy will be happy to have "U" back on Sunday.

After all, you won’t be able to spell Humanitarian Bowl without dat “U.”

Time to put your women away...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:22:00 GMT

Dear Marisa,

I know you've been dubbed the most beautiful woman on the planet by Maxim magazine, but baby, honey pot, my sweet, sweet merkintile love bank…It’s over. College Football is upon us. I know you’re disappointed, but it’s time for rivalries and upsets, co-eds and beer, controversies and camaraderie, Tebow and every college player not named Tebow. Saturdays are once again the most important day of the week and there’s really nothing you can do to sway that beautiful.

I love how you never forget to cup the ball, but I’m standing awfully firm on this one. Baseball season is over. Period. It ends the moment some 19/20 year old former soccer player plants his shiny new cleat on the backside of a Nike pigskin. Besides, I’d rather have to listen to the National Anthem sung by Roseanne Barr and see naked pictures of ~~Roseanne Barr~~ John Goodman than see another fucking web gem on ESPN. It's that bad.

Sure, I might tune in to see if the Cubbies can win the World Series, but that’s because I find century long stories involving goats to be quite interesting.

What’s that? You say Chinese Democracy is finally coming out? Oh, you tease! I know how Axl Rose makes you long for oral sex, but when I say that nothing can take my focus off of the season, I mean it…even an album ten plus years in the making. Good try though.

NBA? WTF? Ok, now I know you’re just reaching around for anything to stimulate me away from humid September afternoons in the Swamp, thousands of rabid fans, smoked meat and funneling beer out of a giant Gator head.

Wow, this is your best proposition yet, but only because you know my affinity for getting drunk and screwing. Still won’t work though. Frankly, I wouldn’t want Jimmy there anyway since I don’t know where mine is gonna go when the volcano blows. Plus, your friend Brooklyn should know better despite the fact that her brand of football is that lesser Sunday afternoon kind.

PS. I’m willing to go with what you had in mind around mid-January. Unless it’s music…Don’t bring Jimmy.

G'N'R...Jimmy Buffet...iPods...Wow, you sure do love music babe. Me too. But I love College Football more. The only music I wanna hear is the Orange & Blue, the Jaws intro, or We Are the Boys.

Ok, you got me! You win. Those Cocks in Columbia take a back seat to those with an invite to your back seat.

You’ve got til 12:30 pm Saturday…then I’m serious.

Salty Hits the Open Sea

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:17:00 GMT

One of the GSR's favorite pastimes is joking about all the wonderful "B's" found on this green earth. Beer. Bourbon. Bacon. Beautiful Babes' Busty Boobs. You catch my drift.

Well our fearless leader, Salty Gator, has decided to introduce his spawn to a "B" must on every Salt-Lifer's list - the Bahamas. Even better, he's doing it by boat. Despite the fact that he's sharing 30 ft. of sailboat with 3 chillins, a stowaway mutt and the ol' lady, it will be the easiest 17 days to count down until next football season. Ever.

On that note, we wish you luck sailor! May you leave all the mother tubbers behind, fly that spinnaker proudly, and be prepared for anything that may lie beneath the deep blue. Yarrrrrrrrr!

- Gator Head Funnel

Western Kentucky Redux...Raycom chooses UF for opener AGAIN

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:16:00 GMT

Ahhhhh, how refreshing it is to have a couple of weeks back-to-back with no news of bystander freshmen offensive linemen being shot or members of your defensive secondary pushing the immoral limits of credit card fraud against the deceased. Yes, quiet weeks in May, June and July are nothing but good weeks.

Alas, the newswire does have some hot & steamy news for the Gator brethren and I mean that in the most literal way. 12:30pm – August 30, 2008, welcome to your Florida football season. Please direct all appreciation and thanks to Raycom sports

Yes, those broadcasting pioneers at Raycom Sports (formerly Lincoln Financial, which was formerly Jefferson Pilot, not to be confused with Jefferson Starship, which was formerly Jefferson Airplane and is now just Starship, who built this city…on rock and roll) have hopped aboard the Meyer, Harvin, Tebow train to kick-off their 2008 season of 180 p HD magic. Yes, you read that right. Hey, that SEC humidity really fogs up them lenses without a good coat of Vaseline on em!

Unknown Fact: Jefferson Pilot actually flew both Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship. No one flew Starship because it was an intergalactic battle cruiser and it flew itself bitch.

Really though, I don’t have much of a problem with being selected. Aside from having to tailgate early, the pros probably outweigh the cons.

Free TV > Pay Per View – Even if the cameras are on lease from the CBS museum of television history.

Is there really THAT much difference between the ball sweltering, gasoline fire, hell’s flame thrower heat from 12:30 – 3:30 pm than the 100 bitches in a bitch boat, volcanic ejaculate, habanera heat from 3:30 – 6 pm. (Yeah, first usage of ejaculate in 08!!!)

By the way, the answer is “no.”

12:30 pm August game OR 3:30 pm August game. It's multiplication by Zero...the same damn result.

Heat wouldn’t be a problem for these teams if the game was played on the outskirts of an equatorial rain forest, on fire, with a field surrounded by ovens. It’s Hawaii and Florida, they’ll manage to play a fine game of pigskin under the sun. Some how. Some way.

Do you have any idea what time a 12:30 pm kickoff is in America’s 50^th state? Neither do I, but depending on observance of daylight savings, I’m guessing it’s probably 7:30 am. Lost has completely ruined my understanding of island time, so it could very well be 6:19 pm in the evening. However, if it is 7:30 am, and the Hawaii players have had a long trip losing hours, I expect them to be sleepwalking through the first half. +1 Gators.

Raycom week 1 leads to no Raycom week 2. Meaning? Miami = ESPN2 night game = tailgate promise land. More time to feed my leg booze and weigh it down for the inevitable kick to hurricane1's junk. I'm going to sapelo assassin your future offspring.

So mark it on your calendar el Capitan of the GSR. 12:30 pm – August 30, 2008 – Raycom sports – Hawaii @ Florida. The clock is officially ticking down to pulled pork and victory 1.

- Gator Head Funnel

Gratuitous X-Chromosome Rankings

Thu, 08 May 2008 20:32:00 GMT

Popcrunch has done us all a favor to savor this offseason, becoming another website to try and objectively order the hottest co-ed student bodies in America… Kudos to them for placing 10 of the 12 SEC schools in the top 25. (UT-25, UK-23, Bama-18, Arky-13, UGA-9, Auburn-8, USCe-6, Ole Miss-5, UF-4 winnah!) Check it out, but keep in mind, probably NSFW.

SEC women...WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’d say this looks pretty accurate to any SEC fan’s description of our women. Or for how a college football poll should look. But even SEC fans can agree that Miami doesn’t belong in either poll. Their prettiest women are on the football team. YEAH, suck on that hurricane1. We’ll see you in September when we’re gonna drop 60 on you and party like its 1985!

There are some blatant misfires in the rankings, FSU above UF, UNC, Texas, UCLA, other big, busty, blonde gigantor schools, etc…waaaay too low, and Duke slipped in at 30. Whaaaa? Guess that solves it. Steve Spurrier has his name all over this puppy. Respect those first employers any chance you get SOS. DUUUUUUUUUKE! #30 now, #25 in the preseason!

- Gator Head Funnel

Finch to Transfer

Thu, 08 May 2008 19:46:00 GMT

Last minute 2007 signing day coup and 5-star safety prospect Jerimy Finch has been released from his scholarship and plans to transfer. Finch had the early makings of a defensive star in the making with numerous special teams tackles and an INT in the home Tennessee blowout last season; consequently the same play that ended his season with a broken right leg. Rumors have incessantly followed news of Finch; homesickness, academic problems, position opinion differences with coaches and a distance issue between he, his son and baby momma back in the hoosier state have all been heard through the grapevine since his matriculation.

I, for one, hate to see talented individuals individuals leave the depth chart, but I also don't see the point in keeping a player that doesn't want to wear the orange and blue...especially if they WANT to play for Indiana.

No worries Gator fans, Urban Meyer has offered the open scholarship to Jennie Finch to save costs on jersey replacements. Urb's always thinking of gimmicks AND fiscal responsibility! The NCAA has yet to make an eligibility ruling.

Tebow could always use more partners for "pitch and catch" on the sideline...why not an olympic athlete.

- Gator Head Funnel

After Refusal to Visit Florida State Capitol, Tebow Agrees to Florida Capitol Visit

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:26:00 GMT

Last Thursday, Tim Tebow visited Florida’s State Capitol, immediately laughing at the irony that Florida, so aptly dubbed by Homer Simpson as "America’s Wang” has a phallic capitol building. He, like everyone else, was less impressed when finding out that it’s never been laid, even by that slutty Atlanta capitol in a red blouse and skin tight black pants. Should’ve grown your hair out like you don't care Florida Capitol!

We'll be gentle Georgia - Now come give America's Wang's Wang some love!

Tebow was there to be honored by the Florida Senate and Florida House of Representatives for his achievements on and off the field. But who are we fucking kidding, mostly on the field. Not a single elected official could tell you how many Philippine orphans he’s helped, but they’ll regurgitate rushing and passing numbers like stat boy wannabes. The Senate and House each passed a resolution recognizing the quarterback’s off-field and on-field achievements. Taking infatuation a step further, the Florida Senate bestowed a Medallion of Excellence to the rising Junior, the highest honor the chamber can award. What? No Magic Orb of Preeminence? No Crown of Superiority? Seriously, Tebow has a Heisman trophy. He’ll be doing the Medallion of Excellence a favor if he even displays it on the same shelf as his James E. Sullivan award. Google it. I bet it takes you ten pages to find another recipient of the prestigious award. You would think they created the award just to give it to Tebow, but alas, they did present one to Barrington Irving this month also. Who’s that you say; a stellar wide-out for FSU? Nope, only the youngest person and the first black pilot to fly around the planet solo. Jeez, culture up Gator fan. Besides, FSU wide-outs are lucky to find the planet on a chart of the solar system. It used to be a lot easier when 3^rd Rock from the Sun was still on the air.

Florida State Astronomy 101

It was a good day overall. Tebow added to his numerous accolades, kept up his 66% pass completion percentage because Speaker Marco Rubio could only catch 2 of 3, and hung out with Governor Charlie Crist in the office he shall one day occupy. He also got to announce to the world “I’m not afraid to be high profile and own one damn suit.” Kudos Tim. Dance to the beat of your own style drum. You’re in college and can spend money on much better things. ::cough:: beer ::cough:: Just drop by Men’s Warehouse before the 2010 draft.

Tim Tebow: Has an "Award Suit," but a smaller dry cleaning bill than you! Sucka.

- Gator Head Funnel